beach date with my brothers girlfrien and then some

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is this the same old now?

Oh wow. I just read my last blog and its so sad. [well written if i can say so myself cause now i feel like crying lol kinda] Its hard to argue it though. I forgot how heartbroken i was for a minute. Espically the last few weeks i found ive really been trying to forget. It all hit me, what, like last sunday. I hella cried. Nah, i HEKA cried. Dexter gets hit by a car, on top of all the bullshit i was trying to explain to everyone last post, on top of i effing hate my sisters boyfriend and had a huge role in their breaking up but yet theyre still talking while hes even moved back to calgary. What an ass hole. Genuine duchebag. Can you comprehend the amount of stress i feel right now. Am i just trippin or ? I dont know what the fuck.

Im sorry to everyone who is effected by my absense of self. Im still lost. It might be a while till i find my way. Dont forget how much i love you and trust that i am and always will find my way alongside the people.

Don’t mind me. Just trying to make sense of the year….

It has yet again been another year. Its been days thinking
it was nothing but know it it was something and something I just
didn’t want to think about. I thought that it was a good year…an
ok year… You know… It was alright… It had it’s downs…and
ups… And downs… And every other possible description for any
and all emotions that can be felt by man. I tried a lot of new
things, started hella things. Never really got around to finishing
a lot of things. I’ve been talking about it a lot recently, and I’m
sorry if your one of those people that may have heard it twice or
thrice, but it’s the commitment thing! I never noticed it till
recently. I can’t commit to shit!!! I can’t think of one thing I’ve
actually followed all the way through. I’m really upset about this.
I mean commitment is a big thing right? Couples have huge problems
because of this. It must be kinda hella critical in other parts of
a persons life. I mean I’m cool with the initial hook but, i jump
outtah the bucket on the boat right after. Fml. And I know I know.
My life isn’t that bad right now. I mean I have a home, see my
family, go out, I have fun…but I have never been more scared in
my life. Everything is really fucking unclear. I feel like
everything the effects of all the traumatizing events that’s
happened in my life is just hitting me now if not again. But it’s
worse cause it’s surfacing now in even small habits or personality
traits I have. Realizing where they are rooted in, having to
reexperience it and try and try and make more sense of it. At the
same time I’m so unmoved. I don’t really feel for anything anymore.
If anything happens its that,’shit happens. And we move on,’
mentality I have and I move on. How the eff am I so zombie and
emotional at the same time!? It just confuses me more and more and
I honestly don’t know what the he’ll to do. And then yesterday
happened. New years eve. I mean I had not really realized fully the
amount of shit that went down. 2010 was really consistent at being
inconsistent. I mean, I partied hard and met lots of great people
and developed closer relationships with a bunch of people but at
the end of the year there is not one person I was completely sold
on spending the count down with. At the end of the year are all
those started built relationships, they weren’t deep enough for me
to think of where I belonged in my life, in society. I know I need
to do something. I just don’t know what. And principally …I can’t
even tell if I’m principled anymore. I mean Im glade that I ended up with the right,though missing some key people, by count down and I love them but I mean something other than that. I’m not sure what the heck but yah. Ahh I don’t know. Imma smoke
one right now. Fuk.

Later….

Yepp. Every things still pretty unclear. My chest hurts like a fat kid sitting on a kitten. It hell hurts. Is it possible to break your own heart. I would cry but it seems a little unfair to those who hearts broken by someone else. But in my defense, breaking your own heart hurts more cause the only person you can always count on is always just you. And if you can’t even trust yourself, how can you go on? Wow. I sound so emo. I think maybe I’ve just become a little too pessimistic. Or optimistic. It’s hard to tell at this point. God…or whatever, help me out this year? If you have been, then I’m sorry I keep asking for more help but hay, wanna share some of that heavenly spirit down you got ore here? Sharing is caring after all σ(^_^;)

I’m lucky kindah. But me and luck have this love hate relationship. I get to go to school but have no clue what I’m working for. I love class and learning but I suck at school. Im pretty nice to everyone and met hella people and people seem to like me but I give hella than I get, I get hit by a car and should be getting money from it but for now I’m broke ass, in dept, in pain till I get paid off. I’m hella willing to work, but Im picky and the shit I really wanna do I’m to inexperienced for. I’m hella young and have no time. I’m just tired. I need a break from everyone. From this life. Maybe it’s me running away or maybe you think’what break your not even working’ and I understand you but you don’t get me. I’m trying to tell you but you can’t possibly begin to care for what I cant explain to you.

Yah.
I’m over 2011 now too.

Monday was a really great day for me. I mean really great. Action packed as a matter of fact. It was the last day of classes so I got to see everyone. Even talked a little more with people I didn’t know as well. Mark. He’s a very good singer. One of those pinoys with that sweet milky voice. Very cute. Anyways, I saw lots of people. Hung out at my fave spot. The hut. Went to my last class and got out early. Had a good meeting with may and Gerry. Met up with my frien.

We went to safe way to get more yosis. Sat outside smoking and singing ushers let it burn. Then he took me to the driving range. It’s my first time actually playing golf…. I suck at it, it seems. We went for donairs. All the while talking. I’m trying to figure out if I don’t like him so much cause I’m trying not to or if I like him so much cause I actually do. I cant tell anymore. And Even when were talking about things, he makes me sway my opinions. I hate that. I bend my thoughts so that were on the same page. I hate that I do that. No. I dont think I like this as much as I did before. Im making things hard on myself and its really all n me. No this is complicated shit. Everything I try and avoid. No thanks. But we had a great time besides the situation.

I got him to drop me off at the train and decided to bus up to see mah Bess! This must have been my fav part of the day. I love my Bess. He’s the greatest and more guys need to be like him. I don’t get to see him as much so I take every opportunity I can. And lucky me is time he was off work early so we got to train together! Once I came over to his house and jut studied on the couch while him and James played halo. I was so satisfied with just being in the room with them. I hell a appreciate his friendship. Shout out to mah BESS!!!!

Then I went to Carlos. Kris was to be leaving the next dai so they were partying a bit. A haha she was already drunk when I got there. We played poker my first time and first win in an all in game. Hehe. I’m pro like that. Maybe got a lil tips myself haha.

Anyways. Mondai was a great day. But it seems I always get fucked over for a few days after awesome days like this. I mean I like balance but cant shit just tip over a little to the better side of the scale.

So as you may know I’ve been a little bit off lately. A little off I’m my organizing work, a little off economically, just coasting socially. I spend most of my days at school cause…. Well I guess I kind of use it as an excuse for my current predicament of being stuck and not really moving forward. Now I’m doing really well in class. Acing it as a matter of fact. I talk and contribute to the discussions, study hard for exams and get smart writing papers. And I really better be doing well in class cause its my only class. I have a better group of friends this semester than the the ones that I’ve made in the past semesters. Not that I’m comparing, it’s just this time around I can stand the majority of them and want to spend time with them. I even have a christmas dinner planned with them on the 18th. Its a Christmas sweater theme party I’ve gotten really close with them. I love love love my hut crew. But aside from the great people and the good grades, I’m not working towards anything really with this education. Its just one of those things where some one will ask, ‘ are u working right now?’ I’ll reply, ‘nope. Not at the moment.’ next question, ‘ oh, are you in school then?’ And this time I’ll say yes like I have a purpose in my life right now when in reality I’m not doing shit. And I tell myself that its okay cause I’m young and have time to figure it out and that I should just be enjoying my youth, so I go out spend the little money I have once a week on going out to dinner, contributing to Liqs or bud, watching a movie, buying a coffee or tea for the mornings I get up early for no real reason but to get to the school earlier so I can see my friends again on even days when I have no class, though I bring my books so I can say that,’I'm studying todai.’ And the days pass by and I’m contempt, happy to be spending time with my new friends, my old ones and my family. But thats just it. I’m contempt. And for a long time that’s all I could ask for. I just need to get by and enjoy the company. and that’s still really all I want when I break shit down….but…..but what happened to me? I’m still happy. I think I am at least. I still make my presence known and hope I can be a good person, that good person in someones, nay everyones life I come into contact with. And I try really hard to do that. But for myself? I guess I’m not really doing anything for myself. I think lost some purpose. I don’t have that drive. I can’t tell where to go cause I don’t have a real source of motivation. I ink maybe got too caught up in the moment and am just stuck in the moment, not looking forward. I feel bad cause it effects some of the relationships I have, my skills, my work. I haven’t really gotten to take pictures and practice my photography in a long time. I know part of it is that I have no camera but that really shouldn’t stop me for this long. The longer I don’t do it the less my will to do it is. It goes for everything else. My music. My interest. Oh god this entry is grim. But it is what it is. I think I’ve gotten so mellow that not only does nothing phase me anymore but nothing drives me anymore. Blehh time for change. I keep saying it. I’m becoming very repetitive. I see that. But if I tell myself enough maybe I’ll actually get around to changing. My plan so far? Get away? Far away? Cali here I come.

Looking through my old fone, reflection of the year

I was looking through my old phone-oh gawd how I miss my fone- but I was just going through all the three hundred and seven pictures in it and oh man. It brought me back through hella good times this past year. It was a good one guys. Boy was it a good one. I think probably the best year I’ve had my life. Went through a lot good and bad. Mostly good. Grew a lot. Learned a lot. Loved a lot. I wish I could do it all over again. I have a feeling that this is going to be a hard year for me. It makes it a little- nay- a lot harder to let go and continue moving but I get it’s what’s gottah be done. Wish me luck. I know that this is just the down from that good high, lets just hope I don’t fall to low.

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Ch 39 best version of Godzilla ever

In this special effects spectacular, the legendary lizard returns to carve swath of destruction across new York city. Matthew Broderick stars as a biologist who teams up with a French investigator (Jean Reno) to stop the rampaging reptilian monster.

Nov2

It was a place unfamiliar. The sounds confused between mellow and the bangs and beats. It kinda sounded like the rising sun mistiming itself at dawn. Still beautiful. It smelled of dried mud in the shadows of cracks in a small stale cave. Stale like bread. Like you can imagine what it smelled like fresh. The feeling of grain being clench in my hands. Though in reality my fingers gripped the safety of a handle like the assurance of there being a good meal ready for you tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That kind of reassurance. Theres comfort in this danger. Not danger in this comfort. It was a situation where I know I can only move forward in a backwards world. I hope that’s what it felt like for you. felt like how it should be at that time. I hope you felt a touch of all emotion good and bad cause neither could be without the existence of each other. Yah. I hope you felt that too

I bit my tongue

So yesterday I was on the skytrain with James and there were these guys on the train. Now the train was busy and it was late. I was just on my way home to slurrey. And almost the whole time I was biting my tongue. These guys were FUCKING ASSHOLES. Pushing the fucking reverse racism shit. Talking about women like fucking criminals. Oh gawd they weren’t directly talking to me but I know they could tell I was pissed. FUCK YOU. Agggghhhh I wanted to rip the tongues out of their mouths and cry to everyone one else on the train,”why the fuck are you people not saying anything!? Why the fuck would you allow this!?” and I couldn’t say shit. I was no better than them wether or not I had stronger feelings to do so. But when it comes down to it, I bit my tongue. For my safety. Because they talked about rape. And no matter how strong I am if anything should ever happen there was more of them than me. And I need to pick my battles wisely. I rush into situations with strong feelings of right and wrong. Sometimes blindly. I’m lucky, I realize that. But fuck this shit.

I think your kinda sweet

I know were not gunn a happen, at least anytime soon. So till then, if ever, I’m happy were cool like this! Your effn awesome and I’m glad my voice can make your day, like yours makes mine Anyways let’s stay like this for a bit. Let’s sip this lemonade and enjoy it cause I think your kinda sweet

How lucky can I be?

Guess what? I won an Ipad at school!!! I couldn’t believe it myself but here I am blogging from my new Ipad.

Now I know I haven’t even paid for school and purchased my textbooks and my phone is still cut off but well, it was free and I could really utilize this thing right now! Carlo actually almost
Got so mad at me! I could see it in his eyes lol. But he was mistaken. You see, the whole trip to the school I was trying not to get excited in case the email I received was wrong or something-although highly unlikely. In the office I expressed my disbelief on the matter and with the iPad in my hand found myself unable to understand what just happened and what to do with myself. So what I did is head to the apple store to figure out exactly that. I walked into the store, fresh new and still in it’s plastic iPad at hand. The store was not so busy. I could see the familiar face I was in search of at the back of the store helping a customer. I walk over, grin taking over my face, sweat forming across my forehead from walking too fast in a purple windbreaker. Because the iPad was unopened, Carlo had thought I was just about to purchase it, mistaking me saying ‘ I won’ to ‘ I want.’ Indeed anyone could have made the same mistake. I was panting while talking not from the fast walking but from losing air because the words were coming out of my mouth faster than I could form them.

I really do wonder how I get this lucky. Or how some aspects of my life come easy. It wasn’t always like this. Things were really difficult for me for years. Maybe this is it balancing off now. But shit happens and I’m able to deal with it. And sometimes shit isn’t shit and they really are roses. Most people who find out I won this thing are in disbelief too. Most of them are jealous. Lol. They say it. And well I don’t want them to be! It makes me feel bad about having this. But at least three people, have said to me,’you deserve it.’ thank you guys. Sometimes I wonder if I really do. I try my best to be a good person and to carry life humbly. I try. Sometimes I’m not that good at it. Nut I am still human. Things like this I wish will happen to everyone. And when it does happen take advantage of it not just for you but for the greater good. If I haven’t done anything to deserve this then I’ll work harder now so that I will. And not deserve this Ipad but to deserve the recognition and blessing of another person. That was the best part of this whole thing I think. It made me happy inside knowing that I am making my place in the world, not in textbooks but in peoples hearts. Cheesy but hay, it’s REELTALK.

Tags: iPad, lucky

quote from the book im reading by paulo coelho, the zahir

” up until then whenever abyone had mentioned the possibility of making a film adaptation, my answer had always been,”no, I’m not interested.” I believe that each reader creates his own film inside his head, gives faces to the characters, constructs ever scene, heas the voices, smells the smells. And thats why whenevera reader goes to see a film based on a novel that he likes, leaves feeling disapponted,saying:’ The book is so much better than the film.”

Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

Good to know!!

July 2010 Edition

1. You can make a photograph of anything and anyone on any public property, except where a specific law prohibits it.
i.e. streets, sidewalks, town squares, parks, government buildings open to the public, and public libraries.

2. You may shoot on private property if it is open to the public, but you are obligated to stop if the owner requests it.
i.e. malls, retail stores, restaurants, banks, and office building lobbies.

3. Private property owners can prevent photography ON their property, but not photography OF their property from a public location.

4. Anyone can be photographed without concent when they are in a public place unless there is a reasonable expectation of privacy.
i.e. private homes, restrooms, dressing rooms, medical facilities, and phone booths.

5. Despite misconceptions, the following subjects are almost always permissible:
* accidents, fire scenes, criminal activities
* children, celebrities, law enforcement officers
* bridges, infrastructure, transportation facilities
* residential, commercial, and industrial buildings

6. Security is rarely an acceptable reason for restricting photography. Photographing from a public place cannot infringe on trade secrets, nor is it terrorist activity.

7. Private parties cannot detain you against your will unless a serious crime was committed in their presence. Those that do so may be subject to criminal and civil charges.

8. It is a crime for someone to threaten injury, detention, confiscation, or arrest because you are making photographs.

9. You are not obligated to provide your identity or reason for photographing unless questioned by a law enforcement officer and state law requires it.

10. Private parties have no right to confiscate your equipment without a court order. Even law enforcement officers must obtain one unless making an arrest. No one can force you to delete photos you have made.

When confronted, threatened with detention or the confiscation of equipment, ask the following questions:

* What is your name?
* What is the name of your employer?
* May I leave? If not, what is the legal basis of my detention?
* If equipment is being demanded, what is the legal basis for the confiscation?

the sheep i picked…

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2ioKbe/www.thesheepmarket.com/

AND THIS IS WHERE I WANNA LIVE!!!!

THIS IS WHERE I WANNA BE!!!! THE THINGS I WANNA SEE!!!!

umbleupon.com/su/2Ekb5R/www.kennethparker.com/

Photos from Kenneth Parker

:)